During a Zoom breakout call in December 2020, I mentioned to a group of entrepreneurs that I had recently moved to my family estate. Immediately, one entrepreneur exclaimed, "I want to do that! How do I do that?" This same response happened frequently over the next few months, prompting me to write a book on how to live multi-generationally on a family estate. That book is now written and published, titled "Multi-Generational Living: The Proven Guide to Creating Stronger Families and Smarter Finances through Intentionally Designed Shared Spaces."

The purpose, the intent, the visceral reaction—like the entrepreneur in my story—is the starting point. It is our why, our reason for wanting to live differently, more closely with family, that drives this process forward. This initial spark can either ignite a fire that is out of control or be an intentional controlled burn.

What does that controlled burn look like?

Initially, it involves those close to us who want to break the cycle of the formulaic nuclear family we've grown accustomed to over the past several generations. It wasn't always this way. Beginning in the 1830s, families migrated to cities, where they were "forcibly" separated due to much smaller apartment-like living spaces. Large multi-generational families split up to accommodate this new linear "factory" lifestyle.

We now realize that the nuclear family model is not for everyone. So, how do we proceed with the spark of this multi-generational pull toward reforming our family? Let me share with you a four-stage approach we and others have learned through the multi-generational school of hard knocks.

Stage 1: Foundation

First, a foundation needs to be established. A foundation of people and relationships built on mutual trust, a unified vision, and established boundaries.

Every one of us communicates differently. Some persuade, direct, counsel, or analyze in spontaneous or disciplined manners that may be challenging or supportive. These terms, used by Stratton Consulting, describe our Interpersonal Leadership Styles.

To understand others, we first need to understand how they communicate. Through careful deliberation, we can understand where their point of view, opinion, reasoning, or occasional outburst is coming from. Conflict resolution is a learned art form necessary to navigate difficult situations.

Outbursts can be explosive and damaging to any trusted relationship. Dr. Laura Gallagher, an organizational psychologist, says, "What bugs me about you is really about me." Before getting too deep into this, just accept that conflict resolution needs to be addressed to keep the peace and, more importantly, keep the trust.

The spark, the vision, that started this journey must be written down in a manner that pulls you and your family toward the future you desire. Each family member joining you on this journey should write their personal vision narrative. It is a narrative written in the present tense from the future of ideal multi-generational living with all that it entails.

Your family then comes together and combines those separate vision narratives into a family narrative vision statement. This almost immediately leads to questions of how we will do this or that. Think of it as boundaries, rules, or more formally, governance.

Governance is about the spirit and underlying values and principles of your family vision placed into a structure for the day-to-day activities, relationships, and rules on your family estate. We ask ourselves the question: What must be true for our beliefs, values, and principles to be adhered to and acted upon daily?

Stage 2: Structure

Upon completion of the foundational stage, it's time to address structure, the second stage. To continue with the building analogy, the structure of your multi-generational estate must first be decided upon before seeking out and finding that actual family estate property.

Key structural considerations are finances, estate selection criteria, decision-making process, and needs and wants. Each of these has criteria for each family to capture a positive, proactive outcome.

Money always seems to be top of mind. A financial stress test performed by each family on the multi-generational living estate may provide financial guidelines. The money necessary for a down payment along with a mortgage to purchase the property is just the start. Each family must know their income and expenses while adding in the additional family estate expenses—a painful but necessary process.

Decision-making can be difficult. An up-or-down vote, which works in the boardroom, is not the preferred method for family decision-making. Consensus decision-making, where everyone gives their consent and support for a decision even if they don't entirely agree, creates less division and conflict.

The family's vision narrative drives the non-negotiables and negotiables of the family estate property. These are the needs and wants set down by the family. Staying true to the agreed-upon needs that must be present in the property will lead to an optimal result. With some luck, many of the non-negotiables (wants) will be present as well.

The individual features of the property, the preferences along with search parameters, round out the structural form of the property. The non-negotiable principles, values, and negotiables naturally lead into the actual features of the property. Think of these as the beauty sought out by your family that comes from the texture, color, style of the walls, floors, ceilings, and outdoor property features.

Stage 3: Real Estate Transaction

The foundation and structure stages naturally lead into the actual real estate transaction, the third stage.

Easements, surveys, inspections, financial underwriting, and much more occur once a property is selected, an offer made, and then accepted. These transactions tend to take twice as long to close and are 10 times more difficult than a single-family home transaction.

Large estates and large properties are like little towns. The complexity increases with all the additional moving parts. Advice and guidance from a top-notch real estate agent and an experienced local real estate attorney are worth their weight in gold.

Many properties come with municipal, historical, charitable, or other easements that may be non-starters due to not meeting a family’s non-negotiable criteria. Wells, septic fields, lack of high-speed internet, and disputed property lines may be new and confusing and can often derail any transaction.

Finally, financing may only be available through private lenders. The time from offer to close can take up to six months, not unusual for these types of transactions. Emotions run high as a seemingly endless list of deficiencies, requirements, and other items test the limits of your ability to see the transaction through to completion.

Stage 4: Living Multi-Generationally

Once all the dust has settled and your property is closed, it's time to move in and start a new journey in life—living multi-generationally, the transformational fourth and final stage.

Mindset is everything. Intentionally framing the mindset you want to operate under to stay highly confident is critical to continued success in life, especially living multi-generationally.

Everything seems new and different when living multi-generationally on your family estate. Establishing a winning or learning mindset (versus winning or losing) is crucial to adopting this new lifestyle. Children are used to failure—it happens to them many times each day. Adults, not so much. Even one failure a month can put us down for the count.

Failure has always been part of living. As adults, we forget its importance in learning. We know very little about how to live multi-generationally. This is the time to give yourself a break and accept that failure will be the norm more than a passing occurrence for the next several years.

Remember to bring in the fun, the old traditions, and the new ones. There is so much to do on your family estate that you may forget to stop and enjoy the journey. Many new happy occurrences happen, replacing some of the old ways of living in a very good manner. There are many more interactions with family members, the land, and the natural building of legacy.

Having an operating platform along with a team of family members mixed with outside staff becomes necessary for many families. Identifying a family CEO and COO may be required to operate your newly adopted little town. Not to worry—much of the heavy lifting can be accomplished by an outside team of professionals for infrastructure, maintenance, repair, and new projects (there will be many).

Finally, there are private security measures to take due to the increased number of daily deliveries, outside tradespeople, and more if you are running any businesses on your property. Governance, boundaries, good solid communication, and conflict resolution take place often. It’s just part of the learning process.

Overall, we absolutely love living with our five families and four generations on our family estate. The depth of connection to each other, along with ease of support, fun activities, and exciting projects, all add to a great experience that is seeing our vision realized before our eyes. Come join us on this new adventure in rediscovering what our ancestors understood very well—how to live and enjoy our multi-generational life!